Redneck Humor

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Redneck Driving Etiquette

• Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
• Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
• Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
• Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
• Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
• When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
• When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Redneck Personal Hygiene

• If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
• Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
• Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
• While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Redneck Dining Out

• Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

Redneck Entertaining in Your Home

• A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
• Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
• If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

Redneck Dating (Outside the Family)

• Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
• Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
• If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

Redneck Theater Etiquette

• Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
• Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Redneck Wedding Etiquette

• A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
• For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
• Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
• Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
• When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions

• Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
• Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
• Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
• Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
• It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
• Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
• The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.